Past. Present. Future

Friday, March 31, 2006

not too bad a day woh

yesterday marked the end of the cts for me, wif the end of the art history paper, which i personally felt was ok... the whole thing was just bullshiting ur way thru. i never hope to take art history again. like lit. waste of time. well time for me to sit back n relax away the rest of the week. enjoy.

today’s movie for one of the enrichment programmes was solid stuff. watched brotherhood. this korean movie dubbed in chinese wif eng subtitles. a real tearjerker. a rarity for me coz i rarely ever cry, not even in movies. well todae’s one is deserving of a few tears. but one very irritating thing was that the sch’s sound system got problem. cutting the sound off every now n then. after awhile got quite irritating. esp when the sound cut off during all the climaxes where by right u shd b basking in the overpowering strains of the music. bah. but this is nj i guess. after a while ur numbed to these sort of things. but technical faults of the screening aside, it really got me thinking abt how pple, friendships change wif time. how humans can b so virtuous n yet so irrational n baseless at the same time.

give the movie a full 5 stars. after watching it u’ll nvr b the same again. haha. the aep excursion was worth it. the sam may look small on the outside, but it can hold a hell lot of paintings. many of them very thought provoking. some fantastic. some whimsical. some corny. some horny. like this sculpture of a woman wif 8 tits haha...n there r also some paintings that have dicks n other hairy assets too. many of these works deserve more time n seeing so many at one go is numbing, an overkill. then on the way to mrt at city hall outside there, gloria got high seeing jeyaratnam n got even higher after asking for his autograph whahaha.

at cj’s request, a belated answer, albeit wif some modifications of my own. see, originality muahaha.

the mystery:
1. clothes u wear these daes: an acid/water/fireproof grey rice sack
2. ur weakness: the opp sex...hey dun laugh la...u stop laughing!
3. ur most overused phrases: pangsai, my tian, shitman n a whole barrage of exotic sounds
3. religiousity: moderately devout. though sometimes may lag.

the calling
ever....
1. drank til drunk? once. last new year, forgot how many cups of wine n beer i drank which made me half drunk.
2. appeared in the newspaper? rhetorical question
3. Played a game that required removal of clothings: nope..whats it like? haha i will purposely wear a lot if i were to play this
4. played wif urself? well haf u?!
5. changed who u were to fit in? nope.

the remains
1. ur thoughts first waking up: this bed is so nice.
2. ur most missed memories: i wd say sji, but we tend to romanticize the past yeh, so sji may not in reality haf been the best place. maybe.
3. a word to describe 2006: anesthetic.

Monday, March 27, 2006

an eternity in an hour.

I have to thank Qing Lun for this. (he may not noe this, but thats not the point.) today a conversation wif him provoked me to think abt some huge issues that i now realize that i’ve been consistently obsessed wif.....SO, i’ve decided, for my A lvl art coursework, i shall work on a painting based on the theme, Friendships, or if u please, Relationships. humongous yet manageable to tackle, complex n irrational enuff to keep up the interest in rationalizing it, n yet relevant enuff for me to relate to in my daily life. cool right?!! if ur answer is no u go play wif ur nehneh.

this is a historic moment. they shd add this to the “today in history” list. well just for fun, lets have a lookie at what happened today ever since the great alvin was born at the beginning of time.

On this date:

1513 - Spanish conquistador Juan Ponce de León first sighted Florida, purportedly while searching for the Fountain of Youth in the New World. way to go man...though i’m not sure whether this guyz paedophilic or wad...fountain of youth. hmm.

1625 - Charles I ascended the English throne upon the death of James I. does it make a difference? they’re all dickless wussies anyway.

1794 - The United States Navy was established.

1958 - Nikita Khrushchev became Premier of the Soviet Union. oh yeah. if this guy was born later he wd have been my gay partner. arhhhh, i broke my back. -_-

1964 - Alaska was rocked by a powerful earthquake that killed 114 people.

1968 - Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin, the first man to orbit the earth, died in a plane crash. alot of sad events happened todae huh...

2005 - Pope John Paul II delivered his last Easter Sunday blessing to tens of thousands of people in St. Peter's Square, but the ailing pontiff was unable to speak and managed only to greet the saddened crowd with a sign of the cross.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

a weekend w/o the cts on my mind. finally.

after econs ct yesterday, went to suntec wif lunch wif sean then go his house slack awhile b4 goin east coast cycling. at around 5 it started to drizzle so we headed back to his home. talked cock until dinner. right now, i even ask myself, how was it that we managed to engage in such lively dissertation over a pen. really talk alot of nonsense... after that was a late night supper of ice-cream... stayed over. very fun day, though i woke up the next morning abit tired as we went for sunday mass. slept the rest of the sunday away. mugging for art history paper on wed? what r u talkin bout? get lost ahaha. cya pplez.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

overwhelmed. tyre parn-chek

in life, what shd we choose. dreams or ignorance?

the days haf sucked the energies n the drive out of me. n when that happens everything suddenly turns into the dreary grey. wanting doing everything that u have loved doing suddenly loses its appeal. save perhaps sleep. yes its me on mode 2 again. n the cts have taken its toll on me. now i don’t give a shit whether i pass my remaining papers or not. i have given up aspiring for goals n ideals.

the aep docent duty for seameu ended this morning but don’t feel like blogging abt it. i think i need a holiday, which doesn't seem to b coming my way anytime soon.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

A long way to go

wad a wasted day. today the aep pple went to the simeu exhibition rehearsals, n so we cd skip econs ct which is postponed for us til sat. i realized that its not much time left i have to study for econs, coz haf to go back for those stupid waste of time rehearsals every day til thursday. u go there, (at least for me) i wasn’t assigned any minister to usher so technically i don’t have to do anything. so just walk around the exhibition area n waste away time. came home surprisingly tired. so after dinner was straight to lalaland. then woke up now.

one of my juniors kevin the wk got selected to b part of the exhibition. only sji work chosen. so mrs penny ong was there to help him set up n give him support. chatted wif her awhile. n she mentioned my o lvl piece. this sudden recollection had prompted me to sit in that usual sofa adjacent to where my o lvl painting is in my home n just stare n stare at the work.

my o lvl piece had reflected the sense of uncertainty i felt b4 the o lvls. the big Os were a big big thing looming in the horizon. to me, it signified a turning point in my life marking the end of my 4 yrs in sji. where u know up ahead theres goin to b a turn in the road. that instant made me look back. all those years. how far i’ve come n how far i’ve still yet to go to reach the finishing point. people and places dear to me. church. childhood. the home i grew up in. family. sji. friends.

2 years on, i wonder how much further i’ve come. in what ways have i changed n not changed? i seriously cannot answer this for sure now. but it sure is dam hell bittersweet remembering how i felt as a josephian standing at the crossroads not too long ago.

now ex-josephian. soon to b ex-njcian.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Massacre.

On 3 June 1989, 2200hrs, the central government in response to student demonstrations in its front yard, mobilised 300,000 troops from across the country, an armoured division, a parachute division and other special units to move at top speed to the square, shoot all demostrators without compunction, and clear the square by dawn. It was time for the central leadership to get a good night’s rest in lalaland after days and months of dumbass noise outside their quarters. Entry of the troops into the city was actively opposed by many citizens, whose resistance resulted in military casualties. Tanks, armoured vehicle, soldiers with automatic weapons struck from 3 directions. It was over in 7 hours. Tiananmen feel silent. but the picture of Mao above the main gate still stood. it still stands today.

today.

20 March 2006. 0800 hrs, a first blow was sighted. i didn’t even see it coming. the moment they said ok u may begin i was like what the toot?!!! seasia was ok...i think. but international was a massacre. question 3, crisis of c’nism in china on the factors leading to the tiananmen incident....i was stunned. first thing i thought of was, lynette lim cheat us. she said a generic question wd come out, so i studied glf and cultural revolution for nothing. what a waste of the great alvin’s time. dam then i see the alternative option abt end of CW, i said shit this ones easier... same question as last yr’s promos. but i didn’t study it this time round. so the facts rusty n decided not to attempt doing it. dam i shd haf studied End of CW. wad a blardy waste. nuclear arms race was expected. complete disaster case....coz i didn’t study it. only read thru abit this morning. so no more B for history, not even a C. hopefully can pass. i never had expectations of history this time round anyway.

then the maths paper. up til now i can’t believe that i handed up a half blank script. see question, don’t know, skip, leave one page blank. see another question dong noe, nevermind. copy question, leave space and skip. this went on for the bulk of the paper. n there were even stuff that i knew but didn’t do coz not sure. n there stuff that i knew i cd do, but cdn’t do coz i didn’t practice that topic n so lost touch wif it. hopefully i get past the 30 mark margin.

i’m off to see so u think u can dance. tmw no econs paper (mine’s on sat) so can affordf to relax awhile. meanwhile i better make sure i salvage my econs n art. art die die must get A. period.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

in the face of adversity,

i choose,....HIT THE PANIC BUTTON! hit the panic button!! wif my slacker attitude i probably thought that i cd choing everything in the last few days. how foolish i was. in the course of a few days since i started doing any serious wk (since friday), i’ve come to realize, that 1.) there’s very little that u can realistically accomplish in a day, 2.) i have a wandering mind n short attention span 3.) memorizing takes a hell lot of time, especially when ur not in the mood (which is always), and 4.)i’m in deep shit.

well.

look on the brighter side. today had my art common test paper. the 3 hr paper where ur supposed to produce a painting at the end of it all. personally i think i tried my best, n this round i took a big risk wif my painting, doing something different from what i’ll usually do. but personally, i think pulled it off ok. n i’m proud of myself. no worrys abt this paper.

this evening sean n his godparents n my godparents came over to boon lay for sat night mass. then after that i brought them to the church behind there the hong kong street for dinner. i wdn’t say it was fun or anything, but it was very relaxing, so much so that i find myself dreading to continue mugging after i came back. but well life must go on. lala.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

half the week wasted away

guess who’s back, back again. uncle’s back!! yeah he’s back!!!! round of applause pls n where’s my teh-o? haha. it seems that a few days of not seeing that stupid rice sack has done some good to bringing my old self back.

the holidays believe it or not, is already half gone in the blink of an eye. n i confess that i’ve not been doing much serious intense mugging, devoting alot of time to sleeping n watching tv, n on doctor’s advice to improve my weak lungs, going for short regular swims. surprisingly i don’t feel any anxiety or urge to chiong all the work this holiday. come to think of it, i’m actually taking it easy in lala land (no sarcasm here. no mind games also. i don’t lie on this blog.).... which is strange for someone like me. is it just bo chap or just complacency? i’m just switch off. yawn. i’ve been sleeping too much these days.

just now watched american idol. real entertainment..though i think paula shd b off the show. she just talks nonsense n is not very honest as a judge. then yesterdae watched Motorcycle diaries for the 2nd time. gd stuff. though the first time i watched it i didn't think it was that gd. very thought -provoking film. nondescript plot, but the power lies in how they film it n tell the tale.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

trip to cmpb

todae went to cmpb for medical examination for ns. sup sup water la. u just go, they take passport photo of u, check here, check there, check whether ur hearing is gd, ur teeth, ur urine, get ur blood sample, height n weight, x ray etc then got this chegopeck doctor will as u to strip n do all sorts of funny thing, then after that will ask u a few questions, like “do u haf tattoo?”, “are u gay?” or “do u take drugs to get high high?”. then when the medical side pple r done (this takes abt 45 mins of following instructions n going to this that station) u go to this room where u sit for this vocational aptitude test. this one ar can die one. the test took abt 1 and a half hr. nao hia ask so many questions....got numbers, maths, physics, some visual manipulation, pattern questions...all of them u haf to do within a time frame. on the whole, quite an interesting experience.

last sat as usual joined sean for novena. somehow recently, i feel that something’s changed. abit of an awkwardness, abit sianess. i don’t know la. maybe its coz of the exams affecting the both of us. i might b reading too much into things. i feel myself changing. whether for the better or for the worse i’m not sure. wait for cts to b over then see how.

life these days seem so empty. n i find myself wondering... did i feel exactly this way last year b4 the common test n promos? i can’t seem to recall. though i’m very sure that i pushed myself harder then.... n when the a lvls come, will i feel this way again? n for a long while, i realized that my entries have just been like that, moodyness..... n i ask myself... when was the last time i ever felt inspired?.....the december holidays. when was the last time i ever felt happy? or cracked a gd joke?

quite a long time ago.

Friday, March 10, 2006

tough week

well well wad do i haf to sae...todae’s gp was a complete mess. paper one essay was the first blow. i chose the question, “history lessons are deceitful. discuss.” whoa i see this question i launched into it, thought i had alot to write...then plan plan for 10 mins then realized shit got very little arguments to write, and all of them are not strong... n i realized that i’m not really sure abt history lessons part,...sometimes in my argument i put it as “the past” or just “history” or “historians”... the lessons bit might demand some kind of other emphasis..i don’t noe for sure. but any way, i didn’t have enough time to write, spending more than 45 mins to plan it, n last part i had to chiong n ended up, last part i cdn’t really compose n develop my argument well, n come to the conclusion the essay ended rather flatly... n worse still, wif all these flaws, i only wrote 2 sides, which is not even the bare minimum of 2 half pages. so my chances of getting past the 25 mark quite slim. add on to that, florence yap is marking my script. she obviously doesn’t like me much so she’ll take every opp to mark me down. well heres a golden one. wad a total mess.

paper 2 was worse. poor time management. summary did half way only, n when i came to aq, my mind was so boggled that i cdn’t think clearly. so ya my writing in aq quite convoluted n my points will probably come out as weak. when typing out it doesnt sound so bad but i assure u it WAS bad for me. if i get a pass i happy liao. sometimes i think that some pple r born to score in gp and some are not.

so there. after that went to see doctor again coz my cough haven recovered yet so ask him why...spent quite long there, waiting time was abt 1hr. so wasted alot of time there.

this week wasn't the best of weeks, neither did it turn out as bad as it expected it to b. n as this term closes n the holidaes come i feel a sense of dread for whats coming after that n the thought of wad that implies isn't exactly inviting either.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

in a pit

life these daes have been bad. i’ve found myself growing increasingly moody n introvert lately these few weeks. i have to admit that. maybe its becoz of the stress n all the work that the teachers pile up on us. usually this mode goes away quite quickly, but it doesn’t seem to b happening this time round. and can tell that relations wif my classmates have been soured. i won’t put names, n if u noe me personally u’ll probably noe who they r. n looking at the situation, i haf no idea how to mend them. its just an irreversible clump in life. n the exams r coming up...how i wish i cd lay the finger of all my probs on it, but as we history students noe, things r never the product of just one thing la.

gp paper coming up tommorrow. wad the hell. i should have put in more effort in reading up more widely that past year. thinking of it, i have done absolutely nothing to improving my general knowledge...one reason’s probably lack of interest wad the heck. n another i’ve conned myself into thinking that if i read the papers, i’ll acquire some knowledge in current affairs. how naive i have been. i’ve just realized that i never actually read the papers, wad i read goes one ear in one ear out. i am at a loss as to how to survive the paper tmw, n i pray that the topic that’ll come out is something i’ve remotely heard of, not some gundu gundu mama shit like gossip or poverty..... n florence yap said that the compre won’t b easy.

spiritual life as also taken a dip for the worse. haiz. so much to do, so much i want to do, so little time. life now is one big mess.

Friday, March 03, 2006

=searching for a constant in a changing world=

fridae was a slack dae to cap off a very slack week of going home early (that is after 2) almost everyday for this this week. which gave me back my traditional custom of having a long nice afternoon nap. to drift off far away from a sch that is not grey, a country that is green, clean but dry n ugly.

todae almost managed to skip art...walk walk to bus stop then teacher call me ask me to go back. alittle bit of an idiosyncrasy as mr lee didn’t come to sch todae so there was no lesson planned for todae. but art students still have to go back to show their faces til end of lesson. which was basically wasted away doing nothing, walking round, n trying to do some hw. after that, for art club, ms lu screened some short films made by local professional directors for us to watch. it is wad i wd call the highlight of the dae, or rather, the only thing worth mentioning this friday.

one of the movies screened, entitled Moving House, was one local documentary that really hit me home, its message striking me loud n clear, but yet paradoxically brought across with such pathos n subtlety that one is left contemplating the many other complex messages that stem from it. it hits the heart, n hits it hard.

the scene opens wif the lin family (which the documentary is centred on) who drives to the chinese cemetery to pay respects to their forbears this qing ming day. after offering their prayers n spreading the offerings in front of the tomb, a monk prays in earnest, for this year, qing ming was going to b alittle different from them. their grandparents were to b exhumed that day.

it then cuts to scenes describing the mass resettlement programmes out of the densely populated civic district into hdb towns in the suburbs, that b4 long characterized our landscape. our economy grew, population quadrupled exponentially, n along wif it, so did the needs of the pple residing in our tiny island.
it grew to such a point that the govt decided that the needs of the dead shd make way for the demands of the living. n so the cemeteries have to go to make way for urban development. n along wif the tombs of those buried in it.

the lin family was one of those affected. but in the name of change, they had to accept the hard fact that their ancestors have to b disturbed from their graves, once again. one sibling interviewed did not, n still do not support such a move as he believed that when our ancestors died, n auspicious location was chosen for them to reside in, n their bodies wd absorb the gd feng shui in the earth which wd then b transferred to future generations.

scene then shows the exhumation of the graves as their grandparents remains r dug out from their coffins, n one by one, the bones r taken out. quite a sight that u don’t see everyday, n will probably never see again for the rest of ur life. it borders on the poignant n also the macabre. as the remains r removed from their resting places, the sky above them turns grey n thunder strikes, as if providence expressed displeasure at such an act. after the bones are removed n placed in plastic bags, the diggers affirm that there r no more bones left n proceed to hack away the tomb itself. along wif it the stone guardians n other embellishments on either end. leaving behind a pile of broken rocks n among them, the badly worn portraits of the diseased can b made out.

the family proceeds to drive to mandai crematorium to have the bones cremated n stored in one of the niches. this is filmed objectively, but yet convey a sense of intimacy. after that, the family sets out a spread in front of the niche now hosting their grandparents n a diseased sibling, n leaves.

on hindsight, one expressed regret for deciding for the exhumation, citing that our dead deserve to rest in peace among the silence of the other tombs, the green grass, under the open sky. feeling a mixture of anger n helplessness that our the tombs of our honourable dead were swaped for more something as useless as condos n golf courses. he reflected that the traditions n ambience of qing ming were lost wif the disappearance of the cemetery. the crematoriums were dull n cramped. the atmosphere was no longer there. the lins have since decided not to continue wif the qing ming practice, instead deciding to just visit on the death anniversaries.

the documentary ends wif a final cut to the abandoned rubble that was once a tomb. n the face of the person that once graced it.

ends on a very sad note. n for once i really empathize wif the lins as i myself very often also feel that our lives move too fast. in the rat race to earn money n emerge first, we have forfeited everything else, including our culture, heritage n our valuable family ties. one questions the emptiness of the our final goal. do we end up happy? then our spirits sink alittle as we resolve that theres nothing much we can do n resign ourselves to our sad fate. the world is changing, n the race is still moving on, even gaining pace. why is the world so short-sighted even blindly subscribing to such a meaningless endeavour. ah well saying this doesn’t change a thing not one bit. we still r, remain, n continue to b helpless players in such a game.

i am too idealistic i noe, n i accept that. i always dream of ideals, romanticizing them in the process. i lament that i am living in a land far from the utopia of my fantasies. but then it is loss that makes us yearn for what was gone. while meanwhile we don’t treasure the things we have. so maybe nostalgia n loss though bringing anguish, is also bittersweet n fulfilling in a sense. ahya at this point i seem to have totally digressed n have said too much. happy weekend! ciao pplez ....................(if u get to reading this far.)

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

This day came n went.

hello darkness my old friend.
i’ve come to talk to u again.

todae was quite uneventful, basically 3 free periods, econs lecture/tutorial, n history n macs tutorial. but general impression i get of todae was very relax dae in the library doing no productive stuff, n ending up talking cock.

todae also got back chinese ao results. my grade is a C, which seriously speaking is quite commendable for my standard, given the fact that my oral was a disgraceful monument to 10 years of learning chinese n i also recall typing in my entry long ago describing the written paper as a complete disaster. so i think C is quite rational for my expectations. my expectations for chinese r not high. i’m just aiming to pass it to get into s’pore u. thats all.

thats all. so ends my contract wif chinese. no more lim may lang forcing us to be compelled to undergo her nagging. my term wif the language is over.

i noe that i’m all english n all, but deep down, i’m very chinese n feel strongly for my roots, but the language is something that doesn’t make me feel that sense of affinity. i never identified wif it n it never idnetified itself wif me. we were, n remain two very separate entities. i noe i wd later regret adopting such an attitude when i go becom architect n get posted to china to do some project. these daes, such a scenario is an inevitability. i cannot run from it. as an architect that doesn’t engage wif china, ur commiting suicide. only when that time comes where i have to go there to convince the china helicopters there the viability of my idea will my stuttering pronunciation n awkwardness in trying to explain my vision make me regret not putting effort in my chinese as a student.

theres a consequence to every action. wad goes round comes round. its just a question of time when ur past actions will come back to haunt u. thats my price to pay. but i’ll leave that to later. concentrate on the A levels first. take life one step at a time.

generally our class did not to bad for chinese la i wd sae. qing lun got B, jon got A...n gloria got C. just to name a few. i think all of us got what we worked for, but more imptantly everybody’s happy to b able to drop it n concentrate on their other subjects.

todae’s ash wednesdae came n went without much flair n significance. this evening didn’t even go for mass. will make up for it by going for novena this sat, n praying more. father brys said that faith n prayer goes hand in hand so well ya. n i succumbed to my temptations for food altho todae was supposed to b a day of fast n abstinence. i have no discipline. this lent i hope to change that.