Past. Present. Future

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

cheers

remember this?

my art teacher kuenny sms me today. say my piece got gold for this year’s syf art competition. sji’s first gold in history she says. not bad huh.

i dream last night i was flying through this city n countless shopping malls, trying to run away from some police or wad. it was quite exciting. but i woke up this morning feeling very drained. gd dream though. throughly enjoyed it.

econs today was i don’t noe wad. drq went down the drain, didn’t even noe wad question 3 was talking about. say imagine u r wad manpower minister. i say manpower your lan jiao! just lala-ed thru. essay was also alot of application. a monument to nonsense actually. the teachers say mcq is supposed to save u. ok some questions were quite familiar, given that gilbert lee actually put some of those exact same ones in his test, but some others....

n just now on the bus met the boy staying opposite me. n we actually talked. a first in the 8 years that we’ve been staying opp each other lolz. n he also just finished his econs ct at innova today also. hes the hardcore neighbourhood sch type. u get the picture. n he actually tried to stylo-milo.

who the HELL, i repeat, THE HELL says “sancitity of the bus” and “press the doorbell at your own discretion”?! n he tells me he reads and, note: AND understands SLOMAN!

oh just fuck off n shut up. yes i'm anti-social.

Monday, June 26, 2006

so it begins

in a way its great to back in school again, see the old familiar faces n the old familiar greyness, which is always. n so the gates of hell open also. opening hymm was that shitman math paper. it was worse than the one we sat for in the prev cts. dis one r, really designed to kill. whack u upside down inside out. i do like window shopping.

stats section was very bad. oh, hmm interesting question. but well i dong noe how to do n i’ll come back later n see if the question still interesting. ¾ of the paper went like dat. remaining parts.... huh why my answer so funny one? or actually i’m not sure how to continue, will get back to seeing it later. YAH right. this time with one big, nice, fluid red line slashed across wif something dat look like rubber band that thing.

last few sums were generally abit better though. but last 10 mins was furiously trying to chiong the last 3 qns, then see dat stupid atika beside me already checking her answer! Haiya but console myself. at least hers is marinated in ugly wormy letters but mine is nice, clean n white.

gp paper was much better. though the essay questions to choose from didn’t look very manageable. so one by one eliminate, n sheatz, realized only option was the huxley question bout unorthodoxy. manageable la.

the compre about science n religion was much better. had more to write there in the aq. n at least i understood the passage n i could pick out the summary points. n the passage was INTERESTING. n well written. concise n lucid writing. wif a unique philosophical standpoint. i did better this time, or at least i’m out of the ghettos n horrific atrocious conditions of the gp slums.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

somethings going to end.

well the week is. one month has come n gone n i still cannot believe it. i think back at those east coast memories n they seem so fresh, but yet so far. well east coast does bring back alot of memories.

i thought of sji.

places evoke reality. they do not embody it. a place is nothing without a person. in themselves places, however beautiful, have no human significance. they may astound u with their natural significance, they may touch u with their uniqueness, they may even remind u of places u’ve been to, bringing into play a dance of memories, a whirling dream of suggestions.

but, any place is memorable only for the image it contains or dredges up of friends or enemies or lovers or siblings or people who in some way or other have helped to shape our lives.

-

the week is coming to an end. cts r drawing realli realli close. shit. sometimes, i think we’re not built for exams, n when i mug, i’m realli forcing it. i noe i can feel it. its such a pain. n do u realize that u never ever find urself in a position where ‘u’ve finished revising early?’ i wonder how it feels like. tell me if u’ve experienced it.

oh n cj, i heard ave verum corpus again last sun. this time in church. a realli different experience. the cathedral choir sang it in the more dramatic fashion with very little of the stillness u all had. but sent chills down my spine all the same.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

knowing that u know nothing

can u divorce intention from action? can we at this time n age tell for sure wad’s right n wrong? i was thinking n thinking n i realised that we cannot really say for sure. lets use a simple controversial example, euthanasia.

A is dying of incurable cancer.
A will die in about 7 days.
A is in great pain, despite high doses of painkilling drugs.
A asks his doctor to end it all.
If the doctor agrees, she has two choices about what to do:

choice 1:
The doctor stops giving A the drugs that are keeping him alive, but continues pain killers A dies 3 days later, after having been in pain despite the doctor's best efforts.

choice 2:
The doctor gives A a lethal injection - A becomes unconscious within seconds and dies within an hour.

in both cases some might say that there’s no diff between either choice since in the end, A dies.

in choice 2, doctor acts to bring about patient’s death. does that make the doctor a murderer?

wad about choice 1? the doctor practically knows that the patient is going to die but does not act, nor take part in the actual killing process, so u can say she’s not guilty of murder. but in failing to prevent her patient’s death (which is impossible in this case), but in participating in causing her death nonetheless, is the doctor guilty then?

then u say we should consider the intention of the doctor to ascertain if she’s really right or wrong. so if the doctor does not intend to kill the patient then she is blameless. well is that it then?

if u’re saying yes to this u might as well say that everyone should b excused from raising their voice n getting angry once in awhile since many a time, that feeling of anger was, n is an act of brashness, n was unintended. excusing someone from this act, as we know, is often difficult.

if i intend to get straight As for the A levels, but i don’t work to achieve my grades n fail the exam, i’m not guilty of failing since the intention was opposite of the action.

the confusion doesn’t end here. lets go back to the euthanasia example n look at it from another angle.

suppose that the reason A wants to die is because he wants to stop suffering pain, and that that's the reason the doctor is willing to allow euthanasia in each case. choice 2 reduces the total amount of pain A suffers, and so choice 2 should be preferred in this case.

OR...

Causing death is a great evil if death is a great evil; we assume that either way the doctor is already committing a crime.
A lesser evil should always be preferred to a greater evil.
If choice 1 would be preferred in this case then the continued existence of the patient in a state of great pain must be a greater evil than their death.
So allowing the patient to continue to live in this state is a greater evil than causing their death.
Causing their death swiftly is a lesser evil than allowing them to live in pain.
choice 2 is a lesser evil than choice 1.

the verdict of the matter can end here. but logical as it may sound, it just sounds unfinished if u noe wad i mean.

Well u can say that if doing something morally good has a morally bad side-effect then its ethically ok to do it provided the bad side-effect wasn’t intended, even if u forsaw that the bad effect wd probably happen. this would make choice 1 n 2 r both ethically acceptable, n either way the doctor won’t b guilty.

i thought this was the solution to the case.

then i realized that others can also say “we r responsible for all the anticipated consequences of our actions”. if we foresee the 2 effects of our action we have to take the moral responsibility for both effects, n not absolve ourselves from blame by deciding to intend only the effect that suits us.

n who said in the first place that death n suffering was a bad thing? i realized that this pointer is important coz if death is good, then the doctor won’t b guilty in the first place....but so will murderers. similarly, prolonging sufferingcan b seen as an opportunity for the patient to grow in character, wisdom, n blah blah. its sounds crappy i noe but yeah...

will there ever b an answer? r our moral ethics n principles that we believe to b so sensible actually so flawed that they contradict one another?

will we ever know?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

day out

another day striked off. but wad a day.

today met up wif some old faces. eric neo, sean r, qing lun, fross, cho yau, j chua, clement. lunch at subway...followed by LAN at marina square. yes believe me when i said yes to going to that small dark abode wif deep voices going....killing spree...monster kill.... the lan shop is timeless i tell u. b4 u noe it, its 5+ already...haha it was fun, lolz. pool after dat was not bad. all the cmi players nonsensing on one table....hanging wif old friends is always nice.

oh n pool n dota haf one thing in common. they’re fun when u play it wif friends. for a moment, we all almost felt like classmates back in sec 4 again going out to chill after school....it was good stuff. they all haven changed much ya haha, as far as i can see.....

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Keep talking but it makes no sense

Conflict. wad u make of it?

this week has been surreal n unsettling. wednesday supposed to go wif chua chu kang gang for dinner. catch up. then something dat day went really wrong. so bad dat i had to cancel it. n i still feel the long-drawn tension today. now even, as i type this piece of shit. i haf strong, mixed feelings that r really distracting, especially when u want to sit down n do work. theres a sadness but yet a certain pride in me dats not willing to let go. family dinners haf been empty, to say the least.

mum came in n gave me a long lecture about experiences, forgiveness, faith n-

wad struck me was dat she was almost in tears.

u noe when they say the family’s the basic unit of society u’d better believe it. coz it seriously affects everything u think, say n do. i’ve experienced it. trust me, it was never pleasant. i’ll never watch family dramas on channel8 for entertainment ever again. its all trash anyway.

an adult told me that it was advisable for me to go to the confession box. dats one advice i’ll heed. n for once, i think i’m looking forward to it.

right now, it seems dat i’m looking forward to everything but the present. revision has gone horribly wrong, horribly wrong. theres just too much to b done.

u noe there r some things i want to blog abt, but i can’t. ah heck, i hope i will b back in in better shape in better days.

the world grows dark in this sandless night.

right now, here’s something dats really fulfilling. comforting to me, at least. a reminder of another time, another day, another place. something u don’t get to see every day, or ever again, for dat matter. here’s something the a level art examiners don’t see when they mark our A level coursework.

Monday, June 05, 2006

acts of stupidity

i’m compelled to wave my middle finger at this sorry ass piece of shit who’s so fucked up that he can’t even take a shit in the restroom.

u tell me? why is it so hard to tell a student, “they’re making a canvas now, please wait.” it took much probing on my part which seriously angered him. to move him to tell me dat. which i wd consider progress actually, considering the fact that the other alternative is usually silence.

anyway, wadever. i’m up in arms wif this whole aep system. esp toward this particular guy who runs it. it just seems to me he just can’t b trusted. he’s just a piece of shit stuck in his own collapsed, pitiful, motherfucking, lame-ass, sick, twisted, pyschotic, foolish, sadistic, pathetic, demented dumbfucked world.

this type of pple wd make u wish u were born wif more than one middle finger to boot. n FUCK U to the guy from moe who founded this aep programme. go french kiss my clenched fist. ur aep programme does not promote art nor anything remotely close to that for that matter. not convinced? go read gloria lee's blog or just click the topmost button to the right of ur screen that says |X|

Friday, June 02, 2006

memory of sun n the sea.

can’t believe i’ve slept half the day away, just waking up for lunch. haha.. must haf been the tiredness spillover effect from yesterday.

yesterday went to east coast cycling. cycled morning til afternoon. we covered the 2 ends of east coast almost 2 or 3 times haha... morning sun was out so we all became red red like china peasants lidat while cycling to changi dat side. first time we saw planes so close. -_-. (the dot is a computer generated mole. randomness haha)

well afternoon it got alittle cloudy wif some lighting n thunder here n there. but best of all, this very very very strong continuous gale was blowing from the sea. think (almost) tsunami that kind of big. like BLOWjob haha. one of the strongest winds we’ve experienced at east coast. n funnily enuff, it was cold. shiok.

after awhile we realized that the park had emptied n a few pple started running for the shelter huts n we were onli ones left cycling n enjoying the wind. so we decided to take cover under the shelters instead of cycling home. find n empty shelter n waited n waited. seemed fun getting trapped in a shelter by a pouring rain wif nowhere to go...

...waited n waited.

...n waited.....

HARLOOOOWWWW??!!! wad happened to the rain?!

so after a few hrs of waiting, we looked up to the sky n decided it probably bypassed us ... abit disappointed... didn’t get to experience that relazing feeling wif the rain drops rolling down ur face, n that “rain” smell...

we came back a tad tired n burnt, but refreshed. day ended at this realli gd italian restaurant at keppel club, wif my godma joining us of course.... 2 of us can’t possibly afford to pay for dis kind of food on our own without adult of course...