Stressed after promos, chinese and pw..
Yes I’m back again. It’s the holidays, but I don’t noe y I’m stressing myself out over this solo exhibition although many say I’ve still got a lot of time since its goin to b held late in September or October. initially I wanted to do 7 paintings, but I quickly scaled it down to 4. A realistic goal wd b 2 paintings, but I guess its quite stupid right? Once in a lifetime solo exhibition, pple come in only see 2 paintings.. and I think uob also thought this as very stupid, that’s why they make the rule that the painter of the year’s solo exhibition has to come out wif at least 5… and I’m doing 4 becoz I’m using my o lvl painting as my 5th piece. Yes I’m that desperate.
Although kuenny that day say the ideas can, I was going thru them just now, and I realize that the ideas got a lot of probs. Many of my messages in the paintings come thru in a irrational, illogical manner (very much in the manner of the surrealist artists which I’m trying to emulate this time round), but I’m not sure whether mr chia’s going to accept it. Another thing is that this is the first time I’m trying to develop all 4 paintings at the same time, but somehow, linked together as a whole, they don’t seem to function cohesively as a complete cycle. There is no story. No head, no tail, just 4 paintings that explore my feelings of nostalgia.
I ask myself, y stress urself out? After all its ur show. Who cares abt what ur art teachers feel, and who cares if ur 4 paintings turn out like shit. I think I’m so worried and laden wif all these jarring messages in my head becoz I’m a perfectionist. Everything, right down from the ideas to the execution has to be exceed expection. Everybody has to see the paintings and go wow this is a master. If I don’t achieve this, I get uneasy, overcome wif a sense of missed opportunity, of being incomplete. Yet at the other end of my brain, there’s a voice that tells me, no u shouldn’t stress urself too much. Enjoy the holidays and just get these paintings done. Have fun. Never mind if they turn out bad. What matters is that next yr will b a hectic and crucial yr and u can’t something like this distract u then.
Yes that’s what bothering me. These 2 opposing voices in my head, and my desire to achieve the best of both worlds, to produce 4 brilliant pieces of art but yet finish b4 sch reopens, wif some time to do the holiday hw, relax, go for 2 wks of holiday overseas, enjoy Christmas and catch up wif my friends.
Time is running out. B4 holidays I have to start painting already, or else how the hell u think ur going to finish 4, and mind u, 4, in like the 3 weeks of December I have left after I come back from spain. I recall what jonathan experienced in june, where he went to japan, and after that realized he had very little time to study 4 ct, and in the end, screwed it up.
A little voice tells me that I’m thinking and imagining and stressing myself out too much, that somehow, as in previous occasions (take promos 4 eg) I wd turn out ok. but something tells me that it wd not happen again this time…
Am I imagining too much, and will stress this time work for or against me? I think the solution now is to quiet myself down for mow, and just work for the goal, step by step. and if I don’t make it, I can at least tell myself that I tried my best.
alvin ong dozed and watched the sawdust trampled night @ 12:40 AM
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